You SHALL go to the concert!

I’ve just realised that this is all going to sound rather Cinderella-esque (minus the ugly sisters and the chimney sweeping), so bear with me!

Yesterday, the stars must have aligned as my day turned into such a treat – the cherry on top being spending the evening at the Media City amphitheatre watching one of my all-time favourite bands – indie rockers The Stone Roses – belt out their legendary tunes under the star-lit sky.

So, there I was, mopping the floor (okay, I wasn’t. I was doing some freelance work for a magazine), when the project came to a natural end and I was able to leave at lunchtime.

Remember this? Never thought I'd see them outside work, in Dubai!

Remember this? Never thought I’d see them outside work, in Dubai!

I skipped off to the mall, with five hours to spare! FIVE hours to enjoy being loose in the mall (with no children barnacled to my leg!). An almost overwhelming amount of time for a usually harried mum and as good as a mini spa break.

I had my hair done, and bought some shoes (not glass slippers, but some flats so I could jettison the work heels and stand all evening in comfort). Later, I picked up my ticket, and edged through the throngs of concert-goers to join my friend close to the stage.

The Stone Roses were amazing. It was honestly like stepping straight back into Uni. And, because this was a Dubai audience of, I’d say, mainly British expats of a certain age, the whole Manchester scene felt a long, long way away. There was no pushing or shoving; no peeing in the bushes, no drugs (just a queue 100-deep for Vodka Red Bull). The atmosphere was electric.

Now, I know you’re wondering at what point did I turn into a pumpkin. Well, I had to be home by midnight. I really did. My DH was leaving for London, so I had to be back on time – and I was – aided by my carriage still being parked in our work car park right next to the venue.

The fastest, jammiest get-away in the Middle East, I tell you.

If the children had let me sleep in this morning, my throw-back-to-student-hood would have been complete. But that would have been asking far too much, wouldn’t it?

The homework battle lines

homework picture

I dread it each weekend, I really do – knowing that my 7-year-old has three sets of homework due the next day and that the only way it’ll get done is by brow-beating him into it, breathing down his neck and practically jumping up and down with excitement when he completes each task.

Quite honestly, extracting his teeth would be easier (and quieter).

Back in the dark ages, when I was 7, I’m sure we didn’t have homework. Maybe there was a library book each week, perhaps a reading book too, but I really think that was about it until secondary school (or did I completely miss something?).

But times have changed, it seems, because children these days, even those who are only knee-high to a grasshopper, have enough homework to sink a mummy ship. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, just that if you have a son who’d rather scoop his eyeballs out than sit down and do homework, it becomes a tedious – indeed painful – chore.

BB is in grade 1. Today, I got emails with his French and Maths homework. There’s English language homework each week, too, and Arabic, which we can’t understand and can only watch in amazement as he forms Arabic letters in front of our eyes. On top of all this, they have spellings every week that they’re tested on in class, and they bring reading books home.

It feels like A LOT – and I’m beginning to realise why I’ve heard mums say full-time work is impossible, because managing this kind of homework load in such small children is a job in itself.

I have to admit that, if BB is cooperating, I rather enjoy the spellings and language homework, and have to practically sit on my hands to stop myself grabbing the pencil and scrawling a sentence myself – but I’m no teacher, and the frustration I feel when BB writes backwards / will only write sentences with the word poo in / or can’t be bothered is off the scale.

Behind every little boy doing homework there's a mummy working three times as hard

Behind every little boy doing homework there’s a mummy working three times as hard

And I also grimace with frustration when the homework requires items that I never seem to have to hand. Glue, highlighter pens, newspapers, dice, flash cards, different coloured biros – my stationery supplies always seem to let me down.

So, imagine my dismay when I opened the homework book last week to discover the treat the teachers had set us:

“Make a tornado”

“Please help your child make a tornado by following the instructions…”

Yes, really.

You will need: a water bottle, clear liquid soap, vinegar, water, glitter and food colouring.

I won’t regurgitate all the instructions, but they involved shaking the bottle to mix up the ingredients, swirling it in a circular motion, and adding the food colouring and glitter.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see the mess potential here? (and wonder if perhaps the teacher was getting her own back?)

Bring on the spellings, I say – I’d rather drill BB in spellings than unleash a tornado at home any day.

When do the whiny years end?

My mother – the wise one – told me the other day on Skype, “Enjoy it – they’re small for such a short time, you know.”

Nod away, please – because I know it’s true. I know this is a fleeting part of my children’s lives, and one day we’ll be looking at photos in the knowledge that this phase of cheeky, dimpled, non-stop little boyness was merely a snapshot in time.

Like my parents must wonder how the blonde-haired, shy little girl with pouty lips in their photo albums turned into the mum-of-two in Dubai.

You thought we didn't need umbrellas here in Dubai, didn't you?

“Ouch! You’re hurting my ears!”

But could someone please tell me: when, oh when, does the whining stop?

Today my four-year-old whined All.Day.Long. In fact, he’s whined pretty much all week.

It’s like I’m a conductor and the mere act of turning my attention elsewhere signals to my son’s vocal chords that it’s time to strike up a racket louder than a Katy Perry concert.

And his older brother – seemingly oblivious to the clanging, deafening decibels – has been egging him on from the wings, with cymbals.

I’d like to be able to tell you that I get down on LB’s level and calmly explain that whining won’t get him what he wants, but I’m about a hundred miles beyond that.

Instead, the constant wa-wa-wa-ing in my ears has driven me to distraction and I’ve started fantasising about lying down for a very long sleep – not-to-be-disturbed until my youngest is at least 8.

But I know what my mother – if I can catch her between aqua-zumba, bridge sessions and Med cruises – would say: “Just you wait til they’re teenagers, dear!”

Silly manoeuvres in nice cars

One of the first things you’ll notice if you visit Dubai is the high proportion of nice cars on the road. The second thing you’ll spot is that drivers do really silly things in their nice cars.

I know this happens all round the world, but for reasons I won’t go into, drivers in the UAE are more guilty than most of road stupidity. You only have to take a short drive in the early-morning, blanket fog we’re having at the moment to find out that some drivers don’t even put their headlights on.

Using her mirrors (we see this too!)

Using her mirrors (we see THIS too!)

And don’t get me started about the mums who march into their child’s classroom voicing all manner of finickity complaints about the way their beloved offspring are being taught, then drive all the way home without buckling their children up.

It does sometimes seem that the more luxurious the car, the lower the driver’s road IQ is. Take these examples: while waiting to make a U-turn, DH and I saw a woman in a BMW just ahead of us make the turn, then FORGET to straighten up. She continued in a circle and stranded her car on the central median, like a yacht run aground.

Then the other day, we watched a woman climb back into her Porsche SUV at the petrol station and drive off, with the hose still attached (clearly late for Pilates).

But today I saw a manoeuvre that beat both of these. Picture the scene: at BB’s school as you walk out, there’s a pedestrian crossing leading to the sand parking lot, manned by a guard.

I’m afraid to say it was a woman again, in a brand-new BMW with children in the back leaving the car park. In all her molecules of wisdom, she mistook the pedestrian crossing (with people on it) for – astoundingly – the car park exit and mounted the crossing in her car, no more than three yards from the school gate. The aghast-looking guard started waving his hands wildly and a mum started shouting.

“Are you crazy?” she yelled.

The driver wound down her tinted window. “Don’t swear at me,” she sniped back.

“But what you’re doing is insane,” the mum spat.

I wanted to stay to see whether she actually managed to exit the car park via the pedestrian crossing, but DH whisked us away so I’ll never know (she probably did!)

Road IQ: -46. And I bet she won’t learn, either!

A Liebster award!

Thank you to Sand In My Toes for honouring my blog with a Liebster award! I’m cheating rather by only answering the questions, but as I’ve been home alone this weekend with a sick child, I’m hoping this won’t disqualify me. So, without much further ado:

liebster-awardWhat was the most spiritual moment of your life?
My second cesarean, losing two litres of blood (a coca cola family bottle!), literally seeing stars, the student nurse nearly fainting and the room suddenly filling with medical staff in an ER-style scene.

What remains your most outrageous buy?
A nicer car than we’d ever be able to afford back home.

What do you do when the kids are napping?
They never nap.

What would your dream vacation be?
Space travel.

What film makes you cry the most?
Titanic – even though we’ve watched it at least 10 times recently due to my sons having an obsession with maritime disasters.

How do you handle the stress that comes with being a parent?
For me, writing is a sanity saver.

What moment do you most look forward to with your child, every day?
Does anyone admit to the moment they fall asleep? When you smell their peachy heads and they suddenly look so adorable and peaceful. But there are also many other moments that balance out the craziness of our days – the best one being when they say, “It’s a good job I’ve got this mum.”

How do you indulge in some ‘me’ time?
I love re-designing the house, reading, going to work with DH, and, very rarely, painting.

Do you like to cook? What’s your signature dish?
I’m an amateur cook, but getting better. Shepherd’s pie is my signature dish.

What is your happiest childhood memory?
Holidays in North Wales, at Pencaenewydd Farm.

Is there something you secretly wish for every day?
That a giant Tesco would open in Arabian Ranches. With online grocery shopping.

How old do I look?

DH got back from New York the other day with a story about a homeless guy who’d tried to get some money from him by guessing his age.

I won’t say what age he thought DH was, but it was six years older than he actually is.

xxxxxx

Just the beginning of a pilot’s mid-life crisis

“Well that’s ridiculous,” I replied, because it was – and because the last thing I want is for DH to have a mid-life crisis. He already flies the most enormous jet airplane in the world; goodness knows where a mid-life crisis would lead.

At bedtime, I asked BB how old he thought I was.

“Erm,” said BB thoughtfully, giving it some serious consideration while brushing his teeth.

“Twenty-nine?”

Really?” I practically yelped, my voice a little too high-pitched.

I came clean. BB has no idea about age, after all.

“Well, I’m not. I’m forty sweetheart.”

“FOR-TY?” responded BB, his brown eyes widening into saucers.

“You mean a four AND a zero? … Oh Mummy!

Almost incomprehensible when you’re the tender age of seven!

The interview fail

It was my first interview in years and I was running late – not seriously late, but time had marched forwards, leaving me with about 30 minutes to get dressed, shovel on some make-up and find my portfolio at the back of the cupboard.

I may have put a little more mascara on than usual, because my pink-rimmed eyes looked like I’d been up all night (which is not surprising, because I had). I’d landed back in Dubai at 6am that morning, slept a little and was heading down to Media City for an interview on a fashion magazine.

It had to be that afternoon; it was the only time they could do. And, while a part of me yelled, ‘You’re a mum now. What do you think you’re doing? You left the high-profile stuff behind years ago,” I was excited – the thought of working once again on a beautiful glossy magazine setting my brain alight with possibilities.

As I waited nervously in the foyer, I marvelled at the rows of magazines on display, the glamorous receptionist, the fake-smile PR girl flicking her blonde hair and the overall swishness of the place.

The editor appeared, looking trim and trendy in a metallic skirt, and led me to the canteen. Decked out in white, my eyes were drawn to the green, grass-like herbs on the formica counters, the ping-pong table and the view outside.

You could even get a massage upstairs (I’m not kidding). It beat my kitchen, where I boil the kettle and battle endlessly to feed my children, hands down.

I must have ended up in the right-hand tray

She put me in the right-hand tray!

We seemed to get along; she was nice, interested (and at least didn’t take one look at my hurriedly thrown together outfit and rather dated boots and step back into the elevator).

But there were some stumbling blocks.

“We sometimes have to work at the weekend,” she told me, eyeing me squarely. “I realise you have children, but I need to know you wouldn’t let us down.”

“Umm, that should be okay,” I faltered, “although if my husband and nanny are gone, I’m really stuck,” I blurted.

“I’ll be in touch later,” she said at the end. And sure enough she was – with a writing test she wanted by the next day.

I did the test and sent it at 1.30am, ploughing through severe fatigue, but jet lag at least working in my favour (the position, covering a two-month absence, was to start on Monday, hence the urgency).

And you know what? They haven’t even been in touch. I don’t need to tell you that it’s Tuesday today, and that the deafening silence obviously means I was rejected.

But it would have been nice to have been told [she says, in a depressed little voice].

My DH tells me not to worry, that something else – more family friendly – will come along if a proper, more regular job is what I want, and can’t fully understand why I’m so upset. “I’m a mummy, not an Airbus,” I tell him. “There’s no quick-fix for a mummy who’s conflicted about her career being in tatters.”

And then my mum’s words (of reason) come into my head. “These things, they tend to work out for the best, you know,” she says.

She’s right, isn’t she?

EDITED TO ADD: I finally heard from them – still a big fat ‘no’, but feel so much better to know the reason!

Silent Sunday: Gone fishing

Brothers are the best, especially when it comes to activities like fishing. My DH’s brother lives in Dubai, too, and when we all get together, I love stepping back and watching them all ‘be boys’ together.

This was taken at a place we’ve named Cat Beach, because there’s a colony of cats living – quite happily – on the rocks, feeding on the fish thrown to them by visiting fishermen. Someone fell in two minutes after I took this  - not who you think!

This was taken at a place we’ve named Cat Beach, because there’s a colony of cats living – quite happily – on the rocks, feeding on the fish thrown to them by visiting fishermen. Someone fell in two minutes after I took this – not who you think!

A 7-year-old’s day

“Mummy, I’m SO excited! So excited to tell you!”

BB burst through the front door, dropping his schoolbag and lunchbox on the floor in a heap.

I could hardly wait.

Long-time readers will know from a previous post that I’m a mummy who lives in hope of her children telling her something about what they’ve done at school that day (“I don’t want to talk about it” is the usual response).

“What is it BB? What happened?” I replied, ears agog as I picked up his discarded socks.

“I’ve got to the next level on my DS machine!”

There's BB at the back of the bus, on his Nintendo DS

There’s BB at the back of the bus, on his Nintendo DS

The predatory woman

Even if, pre-children, you had a really active social life and danced on tables until the wee hours, after you give birth, the prospect of climbing onto heels to paint the town red is about as appealing as being slapped with a wet fish.

And, with small children around, it can take years to get your social life back on track.

Something I’ve promised myself I’ll do this year is to be more adventurous socially (and I don’t mean I want to start swinging). I plan to spend less time on the sofa in the evenings, so that my husband and children no longer have a better social life than me.

Lil' Miss Temptress: You are not my friend

Lil’ Miss Temptress: You are not my friend

I honestly wouldn’t want my pilot to just sit in his hotel room when he’s on layovers, but then again, I don’t want him to have too good a time without me – especially as women can be predatory creatures.

We were stopped in our tracks the other day while walking out of our hotel by an attractive lady.

I say ‘we’, but it was DH she was talking to.

“Where do I know you from?” she asked him.

He didn’t instantly recognise her. They ran through some places – Tokyo, Paris, Hong Kong – but were still drawing a blank.

“I remember that we got on really well,” she said, flirtily.

“Just don’t tell my wife,” joked DH, putting his arm round me so she’d at least know I was standing right there (he never did work out who she was).

Her head turned towards me, our eyes met.

Hmm, I thought. I don’t like you.

“Do you live here?” (meaning London) she said, by way of a cursory acknowledgement.

“No,” I replied. “I live in Dubai, with my husband.'”

And then, the word ‘obviously‘ just slipped off my tongue.

Touché. Hands off! He’s mine!