Category Archives: Parenting

RIP Hanny-Wanny

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The hamster is no more. I can’t even begin to tell you what happened. Let’s just say, I’ve vowed that, other than our cat, we won’t have any more pets until after the summer.

Summer 2018.

Our astounding failure at rodent petcare aside, I’ve been answering some tricky questions about hamster heaven.

“Is it on a cloud?” (yes, very high up); “What do they do up there?” (they’ve got wheels, tunnels, exercise balls and all sorts); “How do they get there?” (erm, fly); “Can you see them go up?” (no, it’s too fast).

Hamster heaven: The fun never ends

Hamster heaven: The fun never ends

And the question that had me stumped: “Which was the first hamster to go to hamster heaven?”

Then there’s the difficult, thorny issue my older son is really angry about: “Why did the vet kill Hanny-Wanny?”, followed by a dramatic outburst of tears.

He was surprisingly attached to his hamster, despite the brevity of it all (two weeks!), and even my DH wouldn’t sign the euthanasia paperwork, leaving that one on my conscience.

But it was the kindest thing after the unspeakable, and the vet (who was gorgeous!) was very understanding.

“It’s a good idea to replace the hamster,” he mentioned helpfully as we said goodbye to dear Hanny-Wanny, “for zee emotions.”

“And, for boys of this age group,” he said, glancing at BB and LB standing silently and solemnly by the examining table, “I suggest a guinea pig. They’re a lot more robust.”

On finding out your kids know nothing about pet care – a.k.a. parent FAIL

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“NOOO, don’t drop her,” I yelled, steam coming out my ears. “Put her back in her cage THIS MINUTE!”

The boys had been mysteriously quiet upstairs for over an hour, and I thought I’d better check on them. Turns out I was right to be concerned. They were on the top bunk, about to let their new hamster kamikaze over the edge onto the rug below.

(The equivalent of jumping off a 20-storey building, I’d imagine).

O.M.G!

For some reason, I’d thought it would be in-bred in my children to be kind to animals. Surely? I mean, I can’t even kill an ant without feeling guilty – that must have rubbed off?

Last week, when the hamster arrived, the boys’ excitement knew no bounds. Here’s a photo. BB likes using my phone to take ‘jail bird’ pictures of her behind bars.

They’d already been through stages of wanting a mouse, then a rat (spare me, please!), so fulfilling their rodent-owning desires by adopting a hamster seemed a great idea in comparison

They’d already been through stages of wanting a mouse, then a rat (spare me, please!), so fulfilling their rodent-owning desires by adopting a hamster seemed a great idea

Before you tell me to start saving now for the years of psychotherapy BB’s probably in for, I should add that this was a much-wanted pet.

And, as members of the rodent family go, she’s really very cute, snuffling her way around and propping herself up onto her back legs to sniff the air.

For the first four or five days, the children treated her like royalty, carrying her cage downstairs every day and setting it in the middle of the living area as a centerpiece. They renamed her Hanny-Wanny and made her a selection of toys to swat out of pieces of cardboard and string.

The only time they suddenly weren’t interested in her (and disappeared, in fact) was when it was time to clean out her cage (“We don’t have gloves, mummy!”)

But, then, I realised they might be getting a bit carried away. A never-ending procession of friends were invited over for a meet-and-greet, and they started doing more than just putting her in her exercise ball.

What I’m trying to say is they didn’t flick through a book on Keeping Pets to find some hamster-friendly ideas. They looked on YouTube, where they found video clips of hamster mazes made out of Lego. And then copied what they saw.

DH and I put a stop to the hamster maze game, and thought everything was under control. Until we caught them red-handed on the top bunk, the fun gone way too far, about to send her on a cordless-bungee jump.

We were furious, believe me. I attempted to teach them about empathy, while DH raged: “She’s NOT a cheap Chinese toy. You HAVE to look after her. If anything happens to her, you won’t get another one.”

BB started crying, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks, his lips quivering – at least showing some remorse – and begged us to believe he’d look after her better. “I promise,” he whimpered. “I’m the hamster’s daddy, we won’t do it again.” [his eyes welling up once more]

Then, to our dismay (revealing he thought she would be replaced), whispered: “But won’t she lay an egg soon?”

Quite honestly, I wasn’t expecting any of that. I’m now doing all I can to make sure this hamster isn’t the brightest two weeks of my children’s life.

“Move over Mum!”

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“Just wait till they’re 15 and think all their friends know better than you,” my mother-in-law once said, locking eyes with me.

Or maybe it was 11, or 9, I can’t quite remember.

Whichever age it was, she was right – the signs are all there.

My oldest son’s just got home from school, and within milli-seconds of him bursting through the front door – the school bus still pulling away with a growl – he always asks: “Mummy, can M come over? And J too? We arranged it on the bus.”

It’s one of the kiddie-perks of living in a compound – his friends are literally on the doorstep, or over the wall. The furthest away is N block. “All you have to do is call J’s mummy to say it’s okay!” he’ll say, bringing me my phone, then vanishing out the door to call for M.

From my 7yo, I’m guessing this is normal behaviour, but I’m beginning to wonder if my 4yo isn’t 4 going on 11.

He has another week of holiday and, with his brother already back at school, we’re scratching around for things to do. The past three days have seen some apocalyptic weather in Dubai. Sandstorms have swept through the region, bringing lightning, rain and howling winds. If Tom Cruise had appeared in a swirl of dust to battle the storm with perfectly groomed hair, I wouldn’t have been surprised. It was wild.

"I have ways, LB, to make you have fun!"

“I have ways, LB, to make you have fun!”

But, today, it was absolutely gorgeous. The storms had cleared the air, and the rain had washed all the sand away. The temperature was a perfect 26 degrees, and I was determined we should make the most of the freshly laundered weather (with summer coming, such days are numbered).

“Let’s go to the beach LB,” I called out, while running round the house grabbing towels, sun-tan lotion, buckets, spades, etc.

He looked up at me, and with a quizzical expression enquired: “Who are we meeting?”

“No-one LB, it’s just you and me.” (thinking how nice, some one-on-one time).

I might as well have told him we were meeting the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – he shook his head and lost interest straight away.

“Okay, LB, you can play with the iPad in the car, but NOT on the beach,” I bribed said. “Deal.”

He reluctantly came, after I promised we wouldn’t be too long. We jumped the rolling waves, I swung him round in the frothy swell until my arms nearly dislocated, and pushed him on a swing for at least 15 mins to finish my arm muscles off. I swear we had fun (and I did get to work on my tan too).

On the way home, I asked chirpily: “LB, that was good, wasn’t it?”

No answer – then, “Erm, yes,” in a small voice.

“Can D come over?”

I get the hint, I do.

Schmaltz alert: I love you all the way to…

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Several months before BB was born, our realtor in the States gave me a gift: the children’s book Guess How Much I Love You.

It was the first story I read to BB and quickly became part of our nightly ritual – a.k.a., my desperate attempts to get him to go to sleep.

How did we go from this at bedtime to a sneaky go at Minecraft under the covers?

How did we go from this at bedtime to a sneaky game of Minecraft under the covers?

The book still holds a special place in my heart because, just as Little Nutbrown Hare thinks he’s found a way to measure the boundaries of love, the children and I like to fondly one-up each other at bedtime.

“I love you all the way to the moon,” BB will say.

“I love you all the way to Pluto and back,” I’ll respond.

And so on, until we find ourselves doing circles round the Universe.

Recently, though, there’s been an uninvited guest at bedtime: the iPad. BB has managed to sneak it up to his top bunk a few times now to play games under the covers (and with a BYOD – Bring Your Own Device – programme at school, it won’t be long until it finds its way into his school bag too).

My 4yo is fast following in BB’s electronic footsteps, and took our little game to a whole new dimension tonight.

“I love you Mummy,” he called out in the dark. “I love you all the way,” he said, pausing for a second to think how to outdo me…“all the way to the highest level.”

“C’mon! MOVE!”

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A little problem developed this week – just of the frustrating variety, so nothing serious, but I think we’ve ALL been there.

It started on Mother’s Day. Sunday is a school/work day for us and it began like any other, with the addition of my parents staying.

I’d parked the car to drop LB at school, and that’s when it hit me between the eyes: A Mother’s Day special.

head-strong someecards“I’m not getting out,” LB huffed.

“Oh yes you are,” I replied.

“Oh no I’m not!” “Yes you are”; “No”; “YES” [possibly said with a hiss]. Back and forth we went, like a game of ping-pong.

I won this battle, but it was just the prelude. He refused to walk through the mosque (strange phobia about only taking this short-cut if no-one else is there), then stopped at the edge of the sizeable, grassy field we have to cross to reach the right side of the school.

He crossed his little arms, and planted his feet firmly in the grass: “Too far. NOT walking.”

And, believe me, I tried everything. I talked nicely. I got cross. I gave him an evil look (apologies: way too early, knackered, lost the will to parent). I walked all the way across the field myself, thinking he’d follow. He didn’t.

After being locked in Round 2 for five minutes or so, and getting late by now, another mum, who happened to also be a teacher, came to the rescue and distracted the inner monster LB enough to allow me to drag – yes, drag – him to his classroom.

The next day was of course groundhog day (as was the next day). But, happily, this morning, I found the solution! And it was nothing more than parking next to the big yellow school buses, which not only meant a slightly shorter walk but also made it fun – for the four-year-old, at least.

Who knew? That, as a parent, you’d have to conjure up fun and games at 7.45 in the morning. Talk about absolutely.blimin.clueless!

The route he has to walk: I know his legs are short, but seriously, it can't be more than 250m

The route we walk: I know his legs are short, but seriously, it can’t be more than 250m

The bunk beds

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When siblings born not too far apart reach a certain age, the question often arises: Should they have bunk beds?

I first thought about bunk beds for my boys a year or so ago, but decided it would be bedtime hara kiri. Images of them jumping off the ladder and diving from the top onto the hard, marble floor quickly filled my mind.

Twelve months later, at 4 and 7, I revisited the idea, because the lovely Dubai Mum over at Dubai Mummy told me there was a sale at Kids’ Rooms with up to 75% off.

I’ll admit I also had an agenda. Years ago, on holidays in North Wales each year, my brother and I experienced the joys of wooden bunk beds with a rickety ladder and chicken-wire base. I’d take a torch up to the top, while my younger brother made a den below, and I distinctly remember wanting to go to bed so we could whisper in the dark (very clever, Mum).

Worth every dirham!

Worth every dirham!

At Kids’ Rooms, they showed me some colourful bunk beds that matched the paint in the room, and before I knew it I was spending DH’s hard-earned cash on not just the beds, but on pirate duvets and cushions, a drawer to go underneath and a thick-pile rug that looked like it would make a good crash mat.

Delivery wasn’t smooth, of course. There was a whole day waiting at home, at the end of which they told us they’d meant the next day. And when the truck did arrive, they’d forgotten all the bedding and managed to knock over a post just outside our villa, leaving a pile of crumbled concrete behind.

But it was all worth it: the boys love the beds and so do I, especially because it means, after reading their stories, they no longer expect me to lie down with them until they fall asleep.

There was a moment’s hesitation when this dawned on them: “But Mummy, how will you take us to bed?” asked BB, the penny dropping.

“Oh, I don’t think I can darling. Mummies aren’t allowed on the ladder,” I replied, peering through the rail at his top bunk.

And he was okay with that.

That, dear readers, is progress.

On being let off the school run

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I’d heard a lot about carpooling – an arrangement that lets you off the school-run hook two or three times a week, then bites you in the bum the rest of the time (you know what I mean – dragging multiple children and their bags, lunchboxes, art projects and PE kits to the car, and driving them all home through traffic while keeping up the pretence that you’re a ‘fun mum’).

I was so relieved, to be honest, that there was an excellent school bus service to BB’s school – organised by some like-minded mums in our compound who also didn’t want to spend their days schlepping backwards and forwards. There’s even a bus nanny on board, who three nannies ago, my older son developed a school-boy crush on.

The sensible thing to have done would have been to put my younger son in the same school, and on the same bus when he’s a little bigger. But, this is Dubai, and when is anything as logical as that?

Did I remember everyone?

Did I remember everyone?

Long story, but LB goes to a different, much nearer school, which frowns on buses for young children, has a car park the size of a hankie, and at which traffic congestion and parking are really stressful (it brings out the worst in everyone, and I wasn’t surprised to see police there recently marshalling the mummy-buses).

It’s a real headache – hence the carpool I’ve entered into.

Yesterday, I was upstairs when I heard my French friend’s car pull up with LB inside. She opened the car door, and the wailing wafted upwards like a siren shattering the peace on a quiet street.

A couple of startled birds who’d been pecking away in the climbing plant outside the window took flight.

It wasn’t LB, but her son. And I instantly knew LB was the cause.

I met her outside as she struggled with the bags, the snack box and the tortuous crying.

“What happened?” I asked, really concerned.

“Oo-la-la,” she said, through a forced smile. “He’s just upset because he vants to be a ‘beeg boy.’”

I looked at my normally sweet LB. His defiant eyes met mine. “He’s not a big boy,” he declared. “I’m the BIG boy.”

He measurably grew as he sounded out the words ‘big boy’, then to prove his point pronounced: “He’s only three…”

“And I’m four!”

Yes, LB, but it’s really not a good start to our car pool if you make your co-rider weep, it is?

And, I’ve a horrible feeling [she says, wincing at the lack of etiquette] that he might have called him a ‘baby’ too – the ultimate insult.

It’s my turn this afternoon, and there’ll be withering looks and reprimands if it happens again. I enjoy the days when I’m let off the school-run hook too much to risk this carpool going tits-up.

I thought readers in the colder parts of America might enjoy this photo I saw on Facebook - marvellous!

I thought readers in the colder parts of America might enjoy this photo I saw on Facebook – I’m guessing dreamt up by a mom!

The homework battle lines

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homework picture

I dread it each weekend, I really do – knowing that my 7-year-old has three sets of homework due the next day and that the only way it’ll get done is by brow-beating him into it, breathing down his neck and practically jumping up and down with excitement when he completes each task.

Quite honestly, extracting his teeth would be easier (and quieter).

Back in the dark ages, when I was 7, I’m sure we didn’t have homework. Maybe there was a library book each week, perhaps a reading book too, but I really think that was about it until secondary school (or did I completely miss something?).

But times have changed, it seems, because children these days, even those who are only knee-high to a grasshopper, have enough homework to sink a mummy ship. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, just that if you have a son who’d rather scoop his eyeballs out than sit down and do homework, it becomes a tedious – indeed painful – chore.

BB is in grade 1. Today, I got emails with his French and Maths homework. There’s English language homework each week, too, and Arabic, which we can’t understand and can only watch in amazement as he forms Arabic letters in front of our eyes. On top of all this, they have spellings every week that they’re tested on in class, and they bring reading books home.

It feels like A LOT – and I’m beginning to realise why I’ve heard mums say full-time work is impossible, because managing this kind of homework load in such small children is a job in itself.

I have to admit that, if BB is cooperating, I rather enjoy the spellings and language homework, and have to practically sit on my hands to stop myself grabbing the pencil and scrawling a sentence myself – but I’m no teacher, and the frustration I feel when BB writes backwards / will only write sentences with the word poo in / or can’t be bothered is off the scale.

Behind every little boy doing homework there's a mummy working three times as hard

Behind every little boy doing homework there’s a mummy working three times as hard

And I also grimace with frustration when the homework requires items that I never seem to have to hand. Glue, highlighter pens, newspapers, dice, flash cards, different coloured biros – my stationery supplies always seem to let me down.

So, imagine my dismay when I opened the homework book last week to discover the treat the teachers had set us:

“Make a tornado”

“Please help your child make a tornado by following the instructions…”

Yes, really.

You will need: a water bottle, clear liquid soap, vinegar, water, glitter and food colouring.

I won’t regurgitate all the instructions, but they involved shaking the bottle to mix up the ingredients, swirling it in a circular motion, and adding the food colouring and glitter.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see the mess potential here? (and wonder if perhaps the teacher was getting her own back?)

Bring on the spellings, I say – I’d rather drill BB in spellings than unleash a tornado at home any day.

The boy-mum initiation

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The other day a friend promised me that while bringing up boys might feel like more work up front than girls, it gets easier. It really does, she told me, as I exhaled a sigh of relief.

“When my teenager’s male friends visit, it’s great fun,” she said. “If the girls come over as well, there’s always two crying in the toilet.”

But, as all boy-mums know, there’s an initiation you have to go through, before you can honestly say you no longer feel winded by the non-stop action, the catapulting off couches, and the, ahem, appendage comparisons. Here, I give to you, my boy-mum indoctrination, in its four distinct phases:

Squirming, kicking, running - catch him if you can!

Squirming, kicking, running – catch him if you can!

Phase 1 [with a health warning]: While friends with crayon-loving girls are able to entertain their children with colouring and hair clips, you realise your boy has more energy than an atomic explosion. He scales the furniture, hurtles round the room like a mini tornado and has turbo-charged growth spurts. Continually ravenous, his ability to turn anything from a stick to a finger into a weapon is disconcerting. Between your morning latte and lights out, you save his life at least three times, and you’re so full of nervous energy yourself, your eyes are practically on stalks. There are days when you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck.

Phase 2: You’ve emerged, with battle scars, from the horrors of toilet training, and learn that your boy would rather plunge the scissors into his thigh than wash his hands. He’s attracted to dirt, puddles, even dog poo, like bees are to honey. Your voice has taken on a shrill tone; it doesn’t even sound like you, but listen to it you must because your boy only hears what he wants to hear.

Phase 3: You’ve given up trying to keep him clean, you never wear your nicest clothes around him and you’ve learnt how to block out the decibels. He zips through activities in seconds, practically burning up the carpet, and takes risks at every opportunity. “What’s the worst that could happen?” you think. The answer is you don’t know, and would hate to find out. Despite the boisterous ways and toilet talk, you notice he’s developed a penchant for your heels.

Phase 4: You find out that your boy is an incredibly affectionate creature. You’re the apple of his eye, and you’re so loved up, it’s like being on a ‘boy-moon’. He slips his little hand in yours and says sweet things, before running off to kick a ball. You feel special, adored. The mother-son bond is unbreakable. You’re Kate Middie in McQueen. An empress – on speed. Because don’t think your life is about to get easier. It’s not that slowing down is bottom of your boy’s priority list. It’s not even on it.

When do the whiny years end?

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My mother – the wise one – told me the other day on Skype, “Enjoy it – they’re small for such a short time, you know.”

Nod away, please – because I know it’s true. I know this is a fleeting part of my children’s lives, and one day we’ll be looking at photos in the knowledge that this phase of cheeky, dimpled, non-stop little boyness was merely a snapshot in time.

Like my parents must wonder how the blonde-haired, shy little girl with pouty lips in their photo albums turned into the mum-of-two in Dubai.

You thought we didn't need umbrellas here in Dubai, didn't you?

“Ouch! You’re hurting my ears!”

But could someone please tell me: when, oh when, does the whining stop?

Today my four-year-old whined All.Day.Long. In fact, he’s whined pretty much all week.

It’s like I’m a conductor and the mere act of turning my attention elsewhere signals to my son’s vocal chords that it’s time to strike up a racket louder than a Katy Perry concert.

And his older brother – seemingly oblivious to the clanging, deafening decibels – has been egging him on from the wings, with cymbals.

I’d like to be able to tell you that I get down on LB’s level and calmly explain that whining won’t get him what he wants, but I’m about a hundred miles beyond that.

Instead, the constant wa-wa-wa-ing in my ears has driven me to distraction and I’ve started fantasising about lying down for a very long sleep – not-to-be-disturbed until my youngest is at least 8.

But I know what my mother – if I can catch her between aqua-zumba, bridge sessions and Med cruises – would say: “Just you wait til they’re teenagers, dear!”