What I saw Wednesday

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I’m back at work – which feels good and it pays for the kids’ snacks, sometimes even the loo roll.

The view from the office is rather magnificent – blue sea, sandy beaches and the Palm on one side, and the city’s gleaming skyscrapers on the other side. On a really clear day, when we’re not peering through sand, we can even see as far as the next emirate.

As being back at work means I actually get to have adult conversations, I thought that for my Wednesday meme this week, I could also do ‘What I said’ (not much, as it turned out, but slightly more interesting than telling the kids off all day).

Keep in mind that, being freelance, I’ve just had a fairly long period of work famine, so I’m not normally the office idiot. Here goes…

“Umm, how do I switch this computer on?”

“It’s 111 degrees, really? But it’s only the beginning of May!”

“No, I haven’t been sun bathing, honestly. Just running after the kids outside.”

“Could someone please tell me the password again?”

“I know, I haven’t been in the office for ages. I’ve been, erm…” [tried to not talk about the kids too much, or my burst of housewifely spring cleaning, clearing out cupboards, drawers, etc, and being quite proud of the results!]

“Oh, the company’s got a new name. Top Right Drawer? No, Top Right Group. Wow. And L became the editor – in January. I’m really behind.”

“YES, I’d LOVE to do lunch!”

[Via text to DH]: “Sad I’m missing BB’s school assembly. He never told us it was a play they’ve been rehearsing for weeks. Will he know his lines, d’you think?” [*really* wished I was there. Turned out he was a tree and didn’t have much to say!]

[On my way home, to myself]: “Omg, what have they done to this roundabout! It’s completely changed. Where the hell’s my exit???” [while spinning round the intersection like a Weeble with an inner-ear infection]

[At home, to my 6yo]: “Right, BB, time to do homework. Spellings, reading.” [I’m sure I didn’t have homework until my teens]

And so to bed. Because, as much as I’m delighted to be working again, the thing is you not only have to stay all day, but you have to turn up the next day too.

Why every mum should go to Beirut

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I came to the conclusion this weekend that every self-deprecating housewife of a certain age needs to take a trip to Lebanon.

Lebanon combines world-famous cuisine, legendary nightlife and beautiful scenery

If nothing else, the stunning mountainous scenery, views of the sparkling Med, mind-blowing history, laid-back atmosphere – and, I should add, standing in the shadow of buildings peppered with bullet holes – will make any household worries feel a million miles away.

A night out in vibrant Beirut – fast becoming the region’s party central – mingling with friendly Lebanese locals will knock 10 years off your age (until the next morning at least). You might even come away thinking you’ve discovered the Paris of the Orient – enough to put the spring back in anyone’s step.

But there’s more. If, like me, you can’t put your finger on the exact moment, but you know that the wolf whistles started petering out a while ago – probably shortly after taking up the mantle of motherhood and just before you realised you wake up with a crease across your face that’s there till noon. If, like me, you’re a little bit worried about a big birthday just round the corner, then you really need to experience what I did this weekend in south Beirut.

We’d driven there, dodging maniac drivers, from my in-laws’ home in the mountains above Beirut to buy the kids bikes. I knew we were entering Hezbollah-land – a part of Beirut where if there’s a problem, you don’t call the police, you call the militia. And I knew we’d arrived when we spotted a missile by the side of the road.

Which I decided to go and take a photo of for my blog.

Honks from Hezbollah: I'll take my honks where I can!

So, while my father-in-law, DH and the boys looked at bikes, I went a very short way up the road to get a good picture – and realised that the background noise of car honking had suddenly become even louder. Not only that, but the men driving the vehicles were grinning at me, motioning to me and one driver, at the wheel of a tyre truck, even pulled over and tried to catch my eye.

Feeling a little unnerved – and more than a tiny-bit pleased (it’s been a while, as I said!!) – I went back to the bike shop and told DH what had just happened.

“I got honked – at least 10 times! Did you hear?”

“Really?” said DH, looking up from adjusting the handle bars on a Spider-Man bike. “Are you sure they weren’t taxis?” he laughed.

True love, eh!

Okay, so some of them were clapped out, smoke-billowing taxis looking for business, but in a part of town where anything goes – where there’s not much you can do to attract attention – I’m pretty sure I proved that a shapely blonde housewife taking photos of a missile is a traffic stopper!

Silent Sunday: Boys’ toys

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Yes, that's snow, not sand - and that is my 6yo about to go skidding up a mountain on a snowmobile in Lebanon this weekend! The antithesis of many people's image of the Middle East, laid-back Lebanon is mostly mountainous with ski resorts to boot

20 things to do before you’re 12 (in Dubai)

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On my favourite radio breakfast show this week, the DJs – Catboy and Geordiebird – were talking about a list that’s been compiled of things to do before you turn 12.

Skim a stone, climb a tree, roll down a really big hill, camp out in the wild, play conkers, get behind a waterfall, hunt for bugs, feel like you’re flying in the wind and go on a nature walk at night were all included in the list of 50 things to do before the age of 11 ¾ – put together by the National Trust.

It was nostalgic stuff, especially as the NT’s intention was to inspire today’s high-wired pre-teen generation – shackled as they are to their computers, Xboxes and TVs – to get out the house and have a go at what we used to do by default.

Listeners to the show then came up with a number of other suggestions – like buy your own school shoes, drink water from a hose pipe, ring the bell and run away, drop a stone down a well and listen for the splash, race lolly sticks under a bridge, let frogspawn run through your fingers and show someone yours (if they show you theirs).

By this point, I was getting so wistful, I was ready to ditch city-living, move to the hills and raise BB and LB as free-range kids – hunting for worms with them every morning and playing Pooh sticks.

Anyway, it got me thinking that a Dubai version of this list would look somewhat different. It might read something like this:

● Feel like you’re flying in the wind at iFLY, Dubai’s indoor skydiving facility

● Go sand boarding down a massive sand dune, standing up

KidZania is a scaled-down city where kids can play at being grown ups. They can take jobs such as doctor, mechanic, pilot; drive cars; earn money and spend it on petrol and pizza

● Spend the night at KidZania

● Go camping / drumming / hunting for scorpions in the desert

● Take a telescope into the desert at night and try to spot at least three planets among the stars

● Get picked up in a Hummer to go to a party at the Atlantis hotel

● Climb the stairs up the Burj Khalifa

● Throw snowballs / cuddle a penguin at the Mall of the Emirates

● Play pass-the-parcel and unwrap a Tag Heuer watch at the end

● Go on a hot-air balloon ride over the desert at dawn

● Run around in the rain

● Visit a World Island

● Find gold, at a gold-dispensing ATM machine

● Canoe down the creek

● Take a glass-bottom boat ride on top of the Dubai Aquarium

● Get behind the fountain inside the Dubai Mall

● Swim with dolphins

● Play with a friend’s lion cub

● Fry an egg on the bonnet of a car in summer

● Learn Arabic and the history of our amazing little-fishing-village-that-could

To see the National Trust’s list, click here

The pool party

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In my 20s, I had no clue it was possible to finish the weekend so tired! I might have thought I did – what with all those lie-ins, long lunches and pub trips. On Sunday night, as I flopped onto my cream sofa in my single-girl London flat with a take-away and a pile of magazines, I thought I was exhausted.

I was wrong. Oh, how little I knew then!

Fast forward a decade, and my weekends look nothing like they used to.

The little people in my life call the shots. But my tiredness tonight – a happy tiredness I’m glad to say – could also have something to do with the fact that we spent much of the weekend swimming.

I’m also grateful that we’ve moved on from our early days in Dubai, when BB was terrified of water and would rather roast round the edge

The highlight was a pool party – very popular here for obvious reasons. There’s a certain amount of trauma involved, ie, running after two overexcited boys in a bikini – swimming boobs jiggling – in front of at least 20 of the mums and dads from BB’s class. But, pool parties are great fun, especially when they’re catered by a company called Splash ‘n’ Bounce.

A pirate ship bouncy castle had been installed by the pool, with a slide into the water, and inflatables such as a Wild Rocker (which lived up to its name), 4-seater dinghy and kind-looking killer whale were provided to keep the kids amused. Amused is an under-statement. The kids went crazy.

Imagine a water-based episode of the comedy game show ‘It’s a Knockout’ for under 6s and you’ll be thinking along the right lines – the pool wafted by lush palm trees and the mums wearing an array of flatteringly cut swimwear and slipping into pretty, linen dresses in all the colours of the rainbow as the sun went down.

So, whilst I might only have enough energy left tonight to wash the chlorine from my hair, and my fingers started resembling raisins this weekend, I’m feeling pretty lucky that we have such great pools here in Dubai – along with the sunshine to use them (until it gets too hot and they actually have to chill the water!).

Once LB learns to swim too, I’ll be hopping onto a sun lounger and taking the plunge only to frequent one of Dubai’s swim-up bars!

Europe meets Texas

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When you’re on holiday, do you ever imagine yourself living there?

In my mind, I create a fantasy, parallel life in which I’m shopping in the stores I’m browsing as a tourist, eating at the same restaurants and, somehow, have an instant circle of good friends from the local area with kids who get on like a house on fire with mine.

All this is imagined in the knowledge that the chances of us actually moving there are about the same as being relocated to the moon (actually, this is really tempting fate – DH’s job means we could end up anywhere).

Whether I do this because, being an expat, I’ve developed a case of geographical schizophrenia or because, sometimes, it’s fun to dream, I’m not sure, but I found myself at it again last week in Bavaria.

Europe: You literally trip over history at every turn

Munich – I could so live in this beautiful city! The culture, the centuries-old architecture, the chic stores, the weather – it was all so refreshing.

And not shoebox-small like you sometimes imagine Europe to be: from the beer served in one-litre mugs to the huge pretzels and the XXL wiener schnitzel (veal escalope) that covered my entire plate, I could really see why Americans love this region of Germany.

Europe meets Texas, no less – way down south and with locals dressed up in traditional clothing to boot!

The autobahn – yes, this is the way to travel, I decided. Despite making Dubai drivers look like slow coaches (no speed limits for long stretches and cars doing 180km/h, no kidding!), it was so ordered, so disciplined. Such politeness.

And the vehicles on this cleverly engineered highway (no tyre debris in sight!) – the Audis, the BMWs, the Mercedes. A bit of Vorsprung durch Technik and Germanic efficiency looked very appealing.

I didn't go so far as to imagine cartwheels!

But my fantasy life moved to a new dimension when we reached the Bavarian Alps.

The lush green, grassy pastures and snow-capped mountains took me right back to one of my favourite childhood books: Heidi.

Wrong country I know, but if you’d spent the past four years living in the desert, I’m sure you, too, would have conjured up images of running up rugged mountains with young Peter the goat-herd – to the sound of babbling brooks and Alpine birdsong.

Amazing what fresh, mountain air can do for you. Just don’t get me started about The Sound of Music!

"The hills are alive..." Tra-la-la-di-da...

Pilot thinks planet is oncoming plane

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If you’re afraid of flying, click away now!

Air Canada's mid-air drama over the Atlantic: Is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it's Venus!

Still reading? Well, you know that mid-flight feeling – you’ve been in the air for a number of hours, passengers are resting, catching a movie or reading quietly. The cabin lights are dimmed. Every now and then, a flight attendant brushes past.

Imagine, then, that there’s suddenly the most terrible turbulence. The plane is in a steep dive. Your worst nightmare actually happening – terror unfolding as the aircraft judders towards the ocean.

Passengers not wearing seatbelts – many of them asleep – are slammed into the ceiling and overhead bins. Laptops go flying.

When the plane levels out 46 seconds later, the passengers and flight attendants who bounced off the walls are left nursing injuries. You can hardly believe your luck that you’re still alive. Little do you know that a US military plane has just passed underneath – too close for comfort.

No, I haven’t been watching too many episodes of Air Crash Investigation, a programme that has me gripped a little too often. This is based on news reports of an incident that took place over the Atlantic Ocean on an overnight Air Canada flight from Toronto to Zurich on January 14 last year.

At first, it was blamed on ‘severe turbulence’, but what actually happened has just been released.

It seems a sleepy pilot, who’d just woken up from a 75-minute nap, mistook the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and forced his jet into a steep descent – nearly causing a collision with the real plane flying 1,000 feet lower.

The first officer, who was permitted to nap on transatlantic flights, had been awakened by a report that the US Air Force cargo plane was approaching at a lower altitude. Confused and disorientated, he saw Venus and thought it was the other jet heading straight towards them – hence the terrifying dive.

In the co-pilot’s defence, Venus was surprisingly bright that night – a groggy pilot could easily have mistaken it for another plane, say astronomers. Not only does the planet ‘not twinkle’, it looks like a steady, white spot of light in the sky – more like a lantern than a star, and very similar to the headlight on an airplane.

Every time my DH goes to work, I always tell him, ‘Don’t land in water’ – not that I think he ever will (I never worry about him flying – I honestly think the drive to the airport on a 12-lane highway is more dangerous, and, besides, my fears tend to focus on more subliminal things like a crashed tanker sending our compound up in smoke). But by calling out these words, it’s a sort of knock-on-wood precaution, I guess.

Next time, though, I might be tempted to add, ‘And don’t forget darling, Venus doesn’t twinkle (and nor will she come into the cockpit to serve you coffee!).’ Don’t you think it would help if I had my very own Swarovski diamond to illustrate the difference, eh, DH? After all, they practically grow on trees in Dubai!

Empty nest syndrome

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Other than bad news from home, if there’s a day in expatland that rocks your boat it’s surely the day visitors leave.

And, having been an expat for nearly a decade now, I’ve realised something: good-byes don’t get any easier.

Departures are generally abrupt and tend to sneak up on you. The day before is normal, full of activity, but with some packing-by-stealth in the evening (so the kids go to bed without a scene).

The next day, the leaving day, can even start quite normally with cups of tea served and some chit-chat. Then, suddenly, suitcases appear downstairs, placed by the door as though standing guard. Before you know it, good-byes are being said and, like a plaster being ripped off, your visitors are gone. Vanished. Whisked off to the airport by DH.

Mum and Dad are, once again, a 7-hour plane ride away

Where there was a book and a pair of reading glasses, there’s now a space. Where there were multiple mugs, there are suddenly empty coasters. Whereas just 12 hours previously my mind was buzzing with arrangements, meal plans and grocery runs, it’s now a void – the lists I made that served as my brain redundant.

As your visitors settle down to an airplane meal and a movie, you realise you hit pause on your expat life, turned down invites, disappeared off the radar so you could enjoy your guests, and now need to pick yourself up and resume day-to-day life. The only trouble is it’s hard to get off the sofa you’ve been so busy entertaining!

The other thing I’ve realised about visitors leaving is that grandchildren take empty nest syndrome to a new, and vocal, level. Oldest son was spirited away by the school bus before The Departure. Youngest son slept through it, then awoke to an echoey-quiet house.

“Where’s Nanny gone? Where’s Grand-da?” he cried, tears rolling down his cheeks. His face crumpled as a frantic search round the house revealed that I hadn’t hidden them.

His sobbing intensified further when he realised his brother had gone back to school (a week earlier than his nursery re-opens).

“I w.a.n.t to go to school,” he pleaded!

With a determined look on his face, he then put his shoes on and marched out the door – and we had no choice but to walk to ‘school’ to prove it was, indeed, locked.

“Where’s Ms Annette? Where’s evwy-one gone?,” he spluttered while standing at the gate in disbelief. “Evwy-one swimming? Nanny and Grand-da swimming too?” he enquired, finally satisfied he’d got to the bottom of it.

“Yes, LB, everyone’s swimming,” I replied to buy some time – thinking to myself, “Yes LB, I know. I feel it too.”

Silent Sunday: Postcard from Bavaria

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Reason #1 for loving Europe: Oversized beers served by Fräuleins in frilly dresses

#2: Teeny, tiny two-seater cars - the likes of which I wouldn't drive round Dubai in a million years!

#3: Crossing the border into Austria - and straight into a blizzard (the joy, after all the sand storms we've had)

#4: The Bavarian Alps - seen the next day after the weather cleared up enough to put the roof down on the car (still chilly though, brrr!)

#5: Fairy-tale castles that look like this when shrouded in cloud and scaffolding ...

... and like this if we'd gone on a sunny day

7 things I’ve learnt about cruising

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DH and I are off on a little trip tomorrow. Adults-only! We’re going to Munich because, in a society where half of BB’s school friends are tri-lingual, I like to delude myself that I can speak German (sadly, it’s not true. I did German at school then forgot the lot, but I can say Bier bitte!)

Our Easter was busy – the best bit being having family, even second cousins, in town. I love it when home comes to visit. We’ve been to The Palm, the beach, the Dubai Mall to see the fountains, then, today, somewhere I wanted to recommend to mums of little boys: the Sharjah Classic Car Museum.

It’s a great little outing, easy to get to and you can play this really fun game where you have to find the petrol tank on each vintage car – not as easy as it sounds! Never occurred to me to look behind the licence plate (who knew!).

So you won’t be hearing from me for a little while. For now, I’m going to leave you with a photo from Mum and Dad’s cruise, and since my parents seem to be living The Travel Channel at the moment, a few words about life on the high seas – gleaned from them in between the kids jumping on them and hustling them off to the play area.

Entertainment in Cochin, India

● Their boat, the new Queen Elizabeth, sailed through pirate waters. Spotters had binoculars trained on the horizon the whole time and there was an armed guard on board. A pirate drill was also carried out, in which passengers had to sit on the floor in the corridor outside their ‘stateroom’ (aka cabin!)

● Things to do on the boat included eating for England, learning bridge, attending lectures, shopping, playing deck games, bingo, golf, croquet, softball, ballroom dancing, the pub and tea in the ballroom served by white-gloved waiters and accompanied by a string quartet (a lot to fit in then!)

● Passengers who’d spent months at sea – including one on a 700-day ‘the-world’s-your-oyster’ vacation – received awards at cocktail parties hosted by the captain. Mum met someone who told her she didn’t bother getting off the boat anymore. “Been everywhere,” she said.

● People-watching must have been just as fun as all the activities – from the glamorous mum who walked round Mumbai in heels carrying a 2-year-old, to the Russian family with beautiful daughters – perhaps meant to be on the look out for husbands, but more interested in chatting up the sailors.

● Mum was attacked by a monkey on a little island off Malaysia after trying to defend someone’s bag and hasn’t forgiven the tour guide who turned to his friend to say, “Don’t get too close, they’re vicious!”

● The dress code in the evenings ranged from formal to semi-formal to elegantly casual.

● Mum’s highlight? Arriving in Dubai (awww!)