Tag Archives: British royal family

7 fantastical things at the coronation of King Charles

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What a coronation it was! The pomp, the circumstance, the historical significance, the bird’s eye view of the Abbey, and of course, the mandatory fancy hats (“I’ve got that hat,” my mum exclaimed on seeing European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen arrive)! From my pew in my parents’ house, where I was glued to the telly, here’s my take on the best bits of King Charles’s coronation.

1. The coronation ceremony involved the presentation of various symbolic items to the monarch, including the Bracelets of Sincerity and Wisdom, the Sovereign’s Orb, the Ring of Kingly Dignity, and the Rod of Equity and Mercy. You couldn’t make this stuff up! Imagine the fantasy novel King Charles could now write with that damn inky pen (not that he’ll have time – he was back to his day job straight after the bank holiday Monday).

2. With the addition of a long shimmering gold dressing gown called the Supertunica and what appeared to be the Oven Glove of God, the whole affair started to feel like a game of Double or Drop on Crackerjack, where participants had to hold an ever-increasing number of prizes and vegetables until their arms could no longer take the strain, and everything tumbled to the ground.

3. Not that we could see it, as this bit was censored by screens to block the scene from onlookers, but the new monarch was anointed with chrism oil consecrated in Jerusalem. The Dean of Westminster apparently poured the holy oil from the Ampulla (a golden vessel shaped like an eagle) onto the Coronation Spoon. The Archbishop of Canterbury then applied it to the king’s head, hands and chest. Out of all the objects used in medieval coronations, only the spoon has survived to this day, due to the fact that most of these items were destroyed during the overthrow and execution of King Charles I.

4. Seeing King Charles III topped with the St Edward’s Crown, rumoured to weigh as much as a small elephant, was a defining, will-it-or-won’t-it-fit moment. Thankfully, the crown did fit, though it looked like the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby was struggling to screw in a dazzlingly shiny lightbulb. The St Edward’s Crown is not just any old crown – it’s the real deal! Made of gold, and encrusted with precious stones and pearls, this bad boy is the crown jewel (pun intended) of the British monarchy. After the coronation, it is carefully returned to the Tower of London. The last guy who tried to make off with it got tackled by the Queen’s Corgis and ended up with a face full of slobber.

5. Talking of shiny, did you see the gold coach? A crown on wheels if ever I’ve seen one. The gold carriage in question is over 200 years old, and was pulled by a team of eight majestic horses. The interior is decked out in luxurious velvet and satin upholstery, making for a truly regal ride. However, as Queen Elizabeth once famously remarked, the carriage was not designed with comfort in mind. In fact, her own journey in the carriage during her coronation was far from pleasant, leading her to describe it as “horrible.”

6. Not only was the ceremony filled with objects with very fantastical-sounding names, there were people with what sounded like made-up job titles. (What even is a Gold Stick in Waiting?) Well, actually, it’s a fancy name for royal bodyguard. This important position was held by Princess Anne, sister of King Charles. Alongside her, she had a trusty deputy known as the Silver Stick in Waiting. 

7. Some people are speculating that the Conservatives might have actually won the local elections if only PM (Penny Mordaunt, bearer of swords, slayer of dragons) had been PM. Speaking of winners, let’s talk more about the Lord President of the Council – now there’s a person who knows how to make carrying a sword look like a breeze. With her background as a former conjurer’s assistant, she’s got some serious magic up her sleeve. And let’s not forget the press-up practice it took to get there – this lady is not to be underestimated.

Of course, it’s all worth it when you get to hold the Jewelled Sword of Offering, with its diamond, ruby and emerald-encrusted hilt (move over St. Edward’s Crown, there’s a new jewel in town). Even Penny, who’s used to being sawn in half, was blown away by the beauty of this weapon. Resembling Britney Spears in her flight attendant garb in the Toxic video, Penny Mordaunt was the breakout star of the Coronation.

It was feet-up for some fantastic telly on Saturday 6 May 2023

What to expect if you’re an heir

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Last royal post, I promise.

The guessing game is finally over: it’s a boy (those wanting a girl are now, according to Twitter, hoping he might be gay); they left the Lindo Wing with a tiny wave; and He Who Had No Name is called George.

Named after my first cat, I believe.

(Despite sounding like a stripper, Royal Baby will stick in my mind for quite a while longer, though).

But if there’s something we don’t have to guess, it’s that his upbringing will be nothing like that experienced by the garden-variety of child.

Below is my compare-and-contrast with the hoi polloi, and, out of interest, what previous royal generations did …

When all this is trained on your birth, and you start trending within your first five minutes of life, it's unlikely to be an ordinary existence

When all this is trained on your birth, and you start trending within your first five minutes of life, the chances of having an ordinary existence are zilch, I’d say

MEETING THE FAMILY
Circles household: Immensely grateful that DH made it to Son2’s surgical birth (on an overnight flight) with five minutes to spare.
HH: Wills was in attendance the whole time and the royal grandparents were helicoptered in for an unscheduled flying visit.
Previously: Prince Charles was the first dad to see his heir arrive; before that, multiple officials were present and births took place in royal residences, not hospitals.

"AHEM, to the hospital, please!"

“AHEM, to the hospital, please!”

HIS CRYNESS, ALL.NIGHT.LONG
Circles household: Schlepped into our nursery room in a fug of tiredness, eyes clamped half shut; often still on the floor in the morning.
HH: What prosperous parent doesn’t employ a maternity nurse these days?
Previously: Believing breastfeeding was the ‘ruin’ of refined ladies, Queen Victoria handed all nine of her children over to a wet nurse.

FIRST PAD(S)
Circles household: A modest two-bedroom home in Minneapolis.
HH: Apartment 1A at Kensington Palace, although why this is called an apartment is BEYOND me. It’s a four-story, 20-room property. There will also be a 10-bed country mansion in Norfolk.
Previously: Prince Charles lived in Buckingham Palace’s remote nursery, cared for by nannies, governesses and footmen, and only seeing his parents at designated times.

The 'apartment' at Kensington Palace

The ‘apartment’ at Kensington Palace

HIGH TEA WITH FRIENDS
Circles household: Decamped to friends’ homes whenever it felt like the walls were closing in on me.
HH: No shortage of mates with estates and big digs for little George to visit.
Previously: While growing up, the Queen didn’t get to meet ordinary folk under ordinary circumstances, only leaving the palace under carefully controlled conditions.

ON RAINY DAYS
Circles household: Braved the germ-ridden, windowless hellholes that are soft-play areas.
HH: Chelsea’s Purple Dragon, where there’s a pristine indoor play centre, pool, recording studio, etc, and the clocks on the wall tell the time in Narnia, the Shire and Neverland, is surely in his future.
Previously: At a guess, wellington boot activities were popular.

If the blue Bugaboo breaks, one has other options

If the blue Bugaboo breaks, one has other options

FEASTS FIT FOR A KING
Circles household: Had good intentions, but resorted to jars, followed by fish fingers, all too often cooked with my coat on after rushing home.
HH: Any fish fingers eaten are more likely to be made of salmon and coated in gluten-free breadcrumbs.
Previously: Wills and Harry were weaned on organic purees, prepared by Princess Diana’s chef.

EARLY LEARNING
Circles household: Put Son1 in a US daycare centre teeming with snotty children and hoped for the best.
HH: A likely contender is Chelsea Pre-Prep and Nursery, which offers ballet, French and animal care among its extracurricular activities.
Previously: Queen Elizabeth was home schooled for her entire education.

AIR MILES
Circles household: These, we have clocked up a few of.
HH: I don’t see those ski holidays and island-hopping trips stopping, do you?
Previously: As a toddler, Prince Charles’ parents often went on official overseas trips, sometimes lasting months and, as was custom, left him behind. (Keeping routines intact, people – or had they discovered the joys of child-free travel?)

I wish the new royal family all the very best, I really do. They honestly seem like a jolly nice couple.

The posh push day

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Some two decades ago, Baby Cambridge’s grandmother, the late Princess Di, brought her children over. Well, not exactly over to ours, but to the theme park where I worked during Uni vacations.

It was the Easter holidays and the news spread round Thorpe Park like wildfire that Princess Diana was visiting with young Wills and Harry. The park wasn’t closed or anything; they mingled with the crowds and queued for rides along with everyone else, while I stood at a cash register in a frilly Alice in Wonderland costume desperately hoping the royal party would come into my sweet parlour to buy some pick ‘n’ mix.

They didn’t, but one of the press photos taken that day, of the Princess and Princes on the Logger’s Leap water ride, became one of the most famous images of Diana relaxing with her sons.

I've LOVED watching the royal family being dragged into the 21st century

I’ve LOVED watching the royal family being dragged into the 21st century

(My DH claims to have met Princess Diana, too, when she nearly ran him over on a zebra crossing in Kensington. At the wheel of a dark-coloured car, she apparently appeared out of nowhere, sped up to the crossing, looked my DH directly in the eye as he scurried across, and zoomed off. But my story is more relevant here.)

I was glued to the #GlobalCervixWatch Royal Baby Watch as history was made today. I devoured the 24-hour news coverage, the fillers, the interviews with knackered, bemused new mums who’d also given birth today. I laughed out loud at the electrifying false alarm, triggered when a security officer walked out of the hospital with a file, and ‘ahhhed’ at the news the fountains in Trafalgar Square would be filled with blue water if the baby was a boy and pink if it was a girl.

Never mind that when the announcement was finally made (four hours after the birth), the internet ground to a halt as millions of people checked the news, and the TV was being hogged by my boys racing each other on Super Mario.

My point, though, is I’m really glad the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge enjoyed this private, bonding time with their newborn. Tomorrow, they’ll be thrust under the most intense media scrutiny as the public demands images of her leaving hospital, and perhaps struggling with a car seat.

And, as this heir-to-the-throne will inevitably be brought up in the public eye, I hope that Diana’s legacy – the way in which, contrary to previous royal generations, she attempted to give her boys a more normal, grounded upbringing (you can say what you like about her, but she was an amazing mother) – will continue to live on. I’ve a very good feeling that with hands-on parents and the help of Kate Middie’s family, it will.