Valentine’s Day treat for book lovers

I hope everyone enjoyed Valentine’s Day … if it didn’t quite shape up, go on, treat yourself today! (Distracted Housewife in Dubai Diary details below)

Meet Brittany Blum, a mother of three living far from home who is certain she’d nail life in the desert if she could:

  • a. Lose the Dubai stone 
  • b. Set parental controls on her kids’ devices 
  • c. Figure out what to do with herself now she’s followed her husband to the Middle East and lost him to another woman

At the start of the year, Brittany decides it’s time to get back on her feet. As she struggles through the ups and downs of her newly single life in the sandpit and tries to shrug off the ‘trailing spouse’ label she hated anyway, she turns for support to four very different expat friends: Adrianne, Natasha, her first ‘ex’ and a bottle of Prosecco. 

Welcome to Brittany’s first diary: a year of trail-blazing – with the occasional crash and burn – rediscovery.  

Click here to buy in paperback.

To buy the international, uncensored version please search for It’s Prosecco O’Clock Somewhere by Marianne Makdisi on any Amazon marketplace (same book, but with the naughty bits ~ available as an e-book for Kindle or paperback)

“Las Vegas on the Persian Gulf”

So The Telegraph put the cat among the pigeons yesterday with this controversial column entitled: Who in their right mind would want to visit Dubai?

For those who haven’t seen it, here’s a small taster:

“For starters, it has an awful climate. It’s horrendously hot and humid for nine months of the year. It has close to zero real culture unless you count its unique take on Sharia Shopping ‘n’ Starbucks. It is an environmental Chernobyl filled with SUVs and air-conditioning up to and including an indoor ski slope. And it has some of the worst upscale architecture in the world. Bigger, better, higher, glitzier, nastier: it’s like an entire city designed by Donald Trump.”

It gets even spikier … (Visitors, apparently, are a certain brassy subset of the middle-classes, who love expensive mock-Georgian new-builds … and probably don’t have many books on their shelves.)

What's not to love?

What’s not to love?

But, actually, after I got over my initial outrage at the fact the journalist had only ever spent three hours at the airport (I never left the airport, he admitted), I made my peace with him. The column was designed to shock, to provoke debate – and judging by the massive response, it succeeded in ruffling some two million feathers.

What’s more, many of the 844 comments are hilarious – strangers literally going hammer and tong at each other, and revealing just how little some particularly vocal people know about Dubai. With buttons for voting on comments, and new slanging matches erupting all evening, it was the best entertainment I could hope for without even leaving the sofa. Here’s my favourite exchange:

Inthesun: Well the beach was mighty fine today, water was very warn and just a slight breeze.
 A few beers and some salad and now going back to the pool. How is the UK today? 🙂

Damian: Yes, so laying on the beach where you can do in hundreds of places in the world is fine as long as the oppression isn’t in front of you?

Inthesun: How is your mobile? Computer and all the other rubbish goods that you buy. Made by kids in china when the suicide shift starts.
 Kettle, pot, Black.


Aussieinswitzerland: Where did you hide while having the beer?

Inthesun: In the bar on the beach. It is called Barasti. Look it up on google.
 Great food as well.

Aussieinswitzerland: But it’s not actually on the beach is it?
 That would be illegal.
You have to hide in the international hotel with your beer.
 Not quite the same thing.

Nynx: Listen jackass…stop commenting on things you know nothing about. YES, you can order beer and YES, you can consume it on select beaches in Dubai.

Ah: Clearly, you have never been to Dubai.

Inthesun: Er, yeah. It is on the beach and you can order to your sun bed.

14 more reasons NOT to live in Dubai

14 Reasons Why You Should NOT Move To Dubai

Every now and then, I get a comment on my blog that goes like this (and this is a real example!):

“Everything is soo fake there makes me cringe how the whole city is set in a dessert”

Did you see what they did there with the spelling of desert?

Anyway, moving on … I’m well aware there are people who think Dubai is a concrete jungle with no soul, no culture. And apart from the general barrenness and lack of greenery, don’t you have to wear a veil, cover up on the beach and abstain from alcohol? Most of these people haven’t even visited.

Here are 14 more reasons to NOT even consider moving here:

1. There are no gardens or flowers – it’s a desert, all sand and concrete.

It takes some watering, but this is our garden.

It takes some watering, but this is our garden.

2. Apart from the Burj Khalifa, there are no other buildings worth seeing.

Dubai Marina

3. And lying on the beach is so boring!

Beach

4. Surely no wildlife other than camels could live in temperatures that reach 47 degrees?

Screen Shot 2015-09-05 at 23.31.40

5. The locals are really unfriendly – don’t expect to ever talk to any.

Screen Shot 2015-09-05 at 23.54.25

6. Only men are allowed to drive.

(Everyone can drive. Just kidding! But in case you’re wondering, yes – women are allowed.)

(Anyone can drive. Just kidding! But in case you’re wondering, yes – women are allowed.)

7. The view from the Burj is … meh! Nothing you haven’t seen before.

View from top of Burj

8. You spend your whole time indoors, in the air-conditioning.

playing golf in Dubai
9. It’s a very intolerant place. If you’re not Muslim, you’re not welcome.

Christmas tree

10. Get ready to don your burka at all times while in Dubai – and prepare to not let alcohol touch your lips. There’s nothing to celebrate!

My bestie and I!

My bestie and I!

11. After a few days, there’s absolutely nothing to do. Yawn.

Screen Shot 2015-09-05 at 23.47.47

12. Everything’s new – there’s no history!

Dubai Creek: The city’s centuries-old trading traditions

Dubai Creek: The city’s centuries-old trading traditions

13. That food! You wouldn’t want to put any of it in your mouth.

Stop drooling over the chocolate fountain!

Stop drooling over the chocolate fountain!

14. Who would want to live in the desert anyway?

Bab al Shams

When 68 days of summer holiday isn’t enough

You’d think, wouldn’t you, that two months and a week would be long enough for a school holiday. It certainly was for me.

Today the epic summer vacation came to an end for Son1 – Son2 still has another day (can you hear him laughing at his brother?).

xxxxxx

On my knees – but cheering!

Of course the preparations began weeks ago, starting with obtaining an appointment for shoes (yes, that’s how they roll at Clarks in the UK – the slots are like gold dust apparently) followed by the shoe-size shock (Son1’s feet are bigger than mine). Then there was the trip to the uniform store. The queue. The changing room – which was like trying to dress two woodland sprites. Every time I do this it feels like a woodland sprite dies, but do it we must as they keep growing out of their uniforms.

Saturday was spent labelling everything with a Sharpie, bringing out the new lunchboxes, water bottles. Laying out the clothes. Buying lunchbox supplies. We were ready. Night drew in and I silently punched the air, “We’ve made it!

By the morning, the smell of toast and sight of shiny shoes and packed bags reminded me of that bittersweet feeling from childhood, when you’re excited to see your friends but don’t want the holiday to be over. I remained cheerful as Son1 stared at a sock.

“We’re going to take the new road to school,” I said brightly.

No reply.

He sat glumly on the sofa. The corners of his mouth turned down. His face looked like spaghetti sliding off a plate, all droopy and dripping and sad. “Mum,” he said in a small, indignant voice. “Can I have a day off?”

Office life versus mummydom

These past few weeks I’ve been working on a magazine down in Media City – some 10 years too late.

Publishing offices here are full of skinny media types, with trendy clothes, silky hair, and because it’s Dubai, a sun tan, exotic accent and just the right amount of bling.

They’re all so young, I sometimes feel like telling them, “You know, there was a time, not all that long ago, when people didn’t have the Internet at their fingertips.”

“And when we did start getting connected at home, it was dial-up. Imagine that. Bet you can’t, can you?”

“You were alive then?” I imagine the young whippersnappers responding, wide-eyed as it dawns on them I’m from a generation that remembers cassette tapes, Commodore 64 computers and mobile phones the size of a brick.

I cover at this particular magazine during busy periods and I said yes to the work because I know I enjoy it when I’m there and they actually pay.

So I’m reminded again what it’s like to be a proper working Mum – commuting for an hour-and-15 a day in rush-hour, doing the grocery shop with the rest of the world on Saturday, and only seeing the kids at bedtime, when they’re behaving monstrously.

It’s always a nice change. Here are some of the things I enjoy:

• Lipstick and heels (with toe cleavage) rather than jeans and flip flops

• Going to the toilet in peace

• Office gossip – generally, though not always, more salacious

• Still micro-managing the boys’ social lives and well-being, but being able to do it remotely, at my desk eating salt-and-vinegar crisps that don’t get nicked

• Not being interrupted every two seconds and when someone does need something, the request not starting with, “Mumm-eeeee, I waaaa-nt…’ Even the office twit seems mild-mannered and quiet to me.

• Incentives like a slap-up meal for the team with the tidiest desks (we didn’t win)

• Colleagues who don’t hit or bite each other

• Lunch out and even eating a sarnie at my desk that doesn’t come with a plastic toy

• Eyeing up a gorgeous dress and thinking “I could buy it! I’ve earnt the money myself!” then being overcome with absent mummy guilt and settling on something for the kids instead

• Not feeling bad about achieving nothing on my mile-long ‘things-to-do-around-the-house list’ – and instead writing on post-it notes that are dealt with by the end of the day

• Making a cup of tea while chatting to adults at eye-level rather than waist-level and who don’t shout at me, tantrum or cling to my leg

• Sneaking back to the mall later to get the dress

I could go on…. it’s one helluva lot easier than refereeing small boys, but there’s a big problem: I miss them and hardly see them! Talk about the grass always being greener on the other side…

Eid part II: Ending up in the ER

I blogged a few days ago about how my plan to spend Eid in England didn’t work out.

Well, we did go away after all. To a well-equipped room, with a TV, en-suite bathroom and round-the-clock room service, centrally located, to BB’s delight, less than 20 feet away from a gleaming gold Metro station.

BB’s idea of paradise, except my poor boy was on a drip, and being prodded and poked by doctors, scanned like a barcode and force-fed medicine.

Yes, we spent the rest of Eid at City Hospital in Dubai’s Healthcare City! Nearly three days and two nights – it felt like forever.

When your only option is private healthcare, doctors don't leave a stone unturned

He’d had a bug, nothing too concerning because even here in the warmth of the desert, there’s a lot of it about. But when we got back from the airport, he seemed strangely lethargic, despite having appeared perfectly well enough to travel earlier that day.

That night his temperature spiked (thank goodness we weren’t on a plane) and so in the morning, we took him to the doctor – who told us to go to the ER.

“Really?” we thought, DH and I both looking at each other in surprise. It seemed a bit drastic. Wasn’t it just a sick bug? And besides, BB was complaining about being hungry so surely couldn’t be that ill. We stuck to our plan to have lunch.

At the ER that afternoon, there was another surprise. A blood test threw up a weird result and they said they were admitting him to the paediatric ward. I still thought everyone was over-reacting – if it was the NHS, wouldn’t we have just been sent home in a matronly fashion to have chicken soup?

But that night, as his temperature climbed again and his whole body started shaking, I began to panic. My boy wasn’t well and I’d assumed it was nothing serious. What could it be and why were we in hospital? They’d even put him in an isolation room to begin with.

There are a few exotic diseases you can catch out here, you see. Infected spider bites, scarlet fever, giardia from unclean swimming pools. In fact, LB’s nursery emails out a helpful round-up of all the nursery nasties every time there’s an outbreak so I know what’s lurking.

The doctors asked where we’d travelled to recently as they thought BB might have malaria. They took more blood and did an ultrasound – all routine tests, but for a five-year-old who’s terrified of the sight of blood (even a graze!) and hates having his hair cut let alone his internal organs scanned, invasive tests like this are a battle.

“It’ll just feel like an ant bite,” said a nurse trying to insert a cannula into his hand.

“TH-AAAAT’S-NOT -AN-ANT-BITE,” shrieked BB, the colour draining from his face.

But he was so brave – and was loving being able to ‘drive’ his bed up and down and position it at various angles – his favourite setting being as high as possible so the nurses had trouble reaching him.

I was trying to be brave, too, but was noticing a few cultural differences I didn’t like. I know healthcare here is excellent, but it seemed like the doctors were more distant – less interactive than they are in the West. No one really told us what was going on and that was just freaky.

Eventually we did get a diagnosis, which I won’t go into, other than to say it’s not serious, has a long name, is fixable, and will be thoroughly researched by myself later today when I consult Dr. Google (dangerous, I know!).

It was so good to come home, clutching a bag with three-month’s worth of medicine and the present we’d bought BB on day#2 for being such a big boy. It was a creepy crawly kit, which he’d used to turn his hospital room into a bug-making factory. They’re in for a shock when they clean.

Some memorable lighter moments:

– “I’m NOT sick, let’s go to James’ house.”

– ‘Don’t touch that train – I’m SICK you know,” to his brother

– “She’s a NAUGHTY nurse, she needs to go in time-out….That doctor is BA-AAD…”

– “Have we moved here? Is this our new home?”

– “This room is just like our hotel in the Seychelles’

– On spitting out medicine, “YEEEUUU-UUUUK, I waaa-nt the purple one” (ie, Calpol)

On falling in love with the bus nanny

The most wonderful thing came into our lives recently. Yellow and long, with chunky wheels, squeaky brakes and snotty noses pressed against the window.

It is, of course, the school bus and it saves us two hours a day through no longer trotting backwards and forwards on the school run.

We were on the waiting list for a year and, even now, BB’s ride home is only on ‘stand-by’, but so far there’s been space every day.

With a hop and a skip, he greets the bus nanny on board!

And, though only five years old, it makes him seem so grown up, so independent, all of a sudden. On hearing the bus come trundling down the hill, he bolts outside in a flash.

The doors clap shut and that’s it, he’s gone – his toast left half eaten on the sofa and cartoons still blaring from the TV. The first day I felt quite bereft.

Until I realised I could actually go back to bed for a bit.

Of course, I’ve worried about the ‘what ifs?’ – what mother wouldn’t? – especially as Dubai drivers tend to behave as though they’re riding the dodgems at the fairground and the highways here have at least eight lanes.

But he’s so excited by the bus buddies he’s made – and has fallen in love.

Buses in Dubai for primary school children have bus nannies on board. Ours is a sweet-natured lady from India with a kind smile and beautiful eyes. Her name is Shabina and, most likely, she has kids of her own back home, living with grandparents so she can earn money for their keep in Dubai.

Her days are dedicated to riding EK1 to school, waiting while the children are in lessons, then travelling back to our compound in the afternoon.

It’s not as easy as it sounds – she’s tasked with maintaining order on board and making sure all the kids keep their seat belts – and clothes – on (yes, really, last year someone stripped apparently).

Early this morning, I found BB writing a love note to Shabina on a card he’d made for her. “Muuum-mee, can you help me?” he asked, somewhat sheepishly. “I want to put ‘I love you bus nanny'”

Then he wrapped up a scented candle that was sitting on our bedside table (not a car or a train, like he usually chooses, but a candle! Surprisingly thoughtful!)

He’s adamant he’d rather we didn’t pick him up from school, like we did the other day to surprise him, because he’d prefer to ride home with his beloved bus nanny, who is so sweet she apparently even gives him a good-bye kiss.

So my big boy has his first school-boy crush and thinks he’s going to marry Shabina. When he’s 18 and reading this, he’s going to kill me for spilling the beans!

And if, like many of the Indian, Sri Lankan and Filipino workers over here, she does have her own children, I really hope she gets to go home to see them as often as possible.

Doing battle with a three-year-old

I try not to say too much about DH in my blog because he’s rather mystified by the concept of Facebook updates let alone blogging.

But I can’t resist documenting a conversation I overheard between him and the little boy this weekend.

LB wanted a carton of strawberry milk, which I’ve taken to buying so their apple juice consumption can no longer be measured by the gallon.

He was refusing to say please and DH was – for the umpteenth time – trying to teach him to remember his manners.

This went on for at least half the morning. I would probably have buckled far sooner.

LB managed to manoeuvre DH into the kitchen and they were both standing by the open cupboard.

“Say please,” says DH, his hand reaching up and hovering over the strawberry milks.

“THAT ONE,” LB retaliates, pointing at the cartons (“Can’t you see? They’re right there!” he’s thinking)

“What do you say?”

“At the T.O.P.” responds LB, getting more and more exasperated he’s having to give orders for something so simple.

“If you won’t say please, you can’t have it.” DH pretends to walk away.

“T.U.R.N A.R.O.U.N.D,” yells LB [angry tears].

I crept away, pretty sure DH would win (my mother-in-law used to talk about running etiquette classes, and we do try to hammer home the manners).

But, a little later, I notice LB running round with his ‘pink milk’ and DH, on the sofa, looking a little, dare I say it, beaten.

“He won’t get away with it next time,” mutters DH.

Three-year-olds, honestly. As cute as a button – but compared to life now, don’t you think our pint-size dictators make pregnancy seem like a nine-month massage?

Once we've got the please and thank yous down pat, we can move on to using napkins, knowing when to be silent and table taboos! I'd better start reading this book by etiquette expert Ava Carroll-Brown

PHOTO CREDIT: Ava Carroll-Brown

A sticky story about having a housemaid (and please don’t go off me!)

It’s no secret that many of us here in Dubai have housemaids, who double up as nannies and sometimes cooks too. A very small minority even drive, meaning the school run is magically done too.

I’ve heard this wonderful perk described in various ways:

“My wife at home,” is a common one from expat mums, or “I should have married her!”

Another friend who’d just hired the sweetest lady from the Philippines told me, “She’s marvellous! She can stay at home and be me and I can go off and be somebody else!”

Introducing the efficient, gorgeous and all-round wonderful Catherine the Great (with baby LB)- can you tell how much we love her?!

And it’s amazing how you’re suddenly inspired to do baking, three-course meals, or catering for multiple kids when you have a self-cleaning kitchen.

The only draw-back is if you get too used to having a housemaid – dare I say it, dependent – it can be quite a shock when real-life catches up with you, ie, you have to move back to your home country (or go on a two-week holiday without her). In fact, it’s common for local families and a few expats to take their maids on vacation with them.

This summer in England, a friend asked me if our live-in nanny Catherine the Great spends her whole time tidying up after our two very messy boys.

Well, we are, in fact – and have been for some time – on a drive to get the boys to tidy their own toys, as a precaution against one of my worst fears, expat brat syndrome, which I’ve blogged about before.

But, inevitably, the rest of us, and in particular C.the.Grt who’s at home all day, still end up doing plenty of clearing up – and it drives BB bananas.

So he’s taken to using sellotape (American sp. scotch tape) to tape his trains, planes, cars, pieces of track and even lego to the floor – in the hope all his bits and pieces won’t get thrown back in the toy box.

Once he taped up the whole living room, cordoning it off like it was a crime scene that couldn’t be touched.

Double-sided, poster tape, mounting tape, he doesn't discriminate - he'll take what he can get

He also uses sellotape to make roadways on the floor and he gets through miles of the stuff.

I’ve found myself bribing him with it: “If you’re really good today BB, I’ll get you a roll of sellotape at the supermarket tomorrow!”

This morning I had two rolls stashed away, but BB found them and got busy. The end result was this sellotape superstructure, which we’ll be unsticking for days.

So that is the reason, my dear friends, why when your children receive a present from us, it’s always wrapped in Toys R Us gift paper – because our sellotape is all over our floor and is never, ever to be found when I need it.

PS: I really recommend two superbly written blogs by Dubai writers on this facet of expat life (housemaids, not sellotape) – Housewife in Dubai: Maid wanted: Must love cleaning and hate gossip and We have it maid by SandboxMoxie, who has good reasons for resisting the lure of live-in help.

A fire and a sandstorm all in one day!

It was mid-morning when the school sent text messages to all the mums.

I say mums, but ours actually came to DH, as the teachers still seem to think he’s a better bet.

The first words, “The Civil Defence has advised…” were carefully chosen to make sure we sat up and took notice.

“…that students should go home due to the possibility of fumes coming from a fire in the industrial area.”

Of course, this unscheduled evacuation sparked a flurry of text messages and phone calls among the mums – to spread the word that any afternoon plans were toast.

“Have you heard?”

“The kids are coming home!”

“I was planning on an 11am Ashtanga yoga class, followed by a gellish manicure and a triple berry smoothie at the Lime Tree Cafe,” I imagined inconvenienced mums saying. “And the nanny insists on resting in the afternoon, I might actually have to take the kids to Magic Planet.”

My work plans thwarted yet again, we headed out when BB got home – and were plunged straight into our second excitement of the day.

While driving along, the 4WD was suddenly engulfed in a billowing sand storm. One minute the sky was clear and blue, the next minute a yellowish mist had descended, the wind was gusting and there was sand swirling everywhere. Visibility quickly reduced to about an arm’s length.

Apart from the high temperatures, we don’t get much in the way of extreme weather here so everyone in the car with the exception of me was loving it.

I was having visions of being swallowed up by the desert, while innocently on our way to watch Horrid Henry. I could see the headline in my mind, ‘Expats vanish in Barsha triangle’

Either that, or we’d get into an accident on the road, which you could hardly see through the thick, fog-like dust.

Thankfully, DH was at the wheel, and noticing that I was clutching my seat, he smiled and said kindly, “Don’t worry, the visibility is at least 50 metres – still legal for landing an airplane.”

Which is precisely why he’s in the right job, while I – my eyes nearly closed by this point – could never do it in a million years.

The sandstorm rolling in

Sand flying about everywhere (and if you happen to be outside, sand gets in your eyes, mouth, ears, hair and up your nose)

With visibility so poor, driving becomes hazardous