My Facebook friends will know that yesterday I threw a bit of a paddy – and resigned from my role as the glue, grocery shopper and crisis manager of little people’s tantrums.

Obviously, I felt pretty silly this morning, as I got the chicken out the freezer to defrost, packed the school bags and did the school run.

But it did seem to resonate with my Facebook pals, who cheered me up immensely with their comments (“I didn’t realise that was even an option,” remarked my Uni friend A. “A whole world of possibilities opens up.”)

It also got me thinking about the multi-faceted role of being a mother. Specifically, how it translates to positions that Mums in Dubai may have held previously, are still working in, or hope to return to one day.

So, just for fun, here it is, the expat mum’s job description:

*Fun mum needed for lifelong position in growing international company (Trailing Spouse, Inc). Must love sand.*

Roles and skills required

– Domestic engineer (fix broken toys, leaks, the Internet)

– Director of child development (must be available 24/7, and responsive at 3am)

– Senior buyer (why go to one supermarket, when you can go to three to get everything you need?)

– Chef (Tesco’s ready-meals are a looo-ng way away)

– Risk analyst (if another mum picks up your child, will she use a car seat?)

– Fashionista (full make-up, sundress and heels by 7.15am)

– Diplomat/negotiator (small warring countries are a cinch compared to hot, overtired siblings)

– Chauffeur (long-distance/defensive driving experience on supersized highways preferable)

– Creative director (how many days stuck inside in the air-con can you fill creatively?)

– Home studies supervisor (how long till you lose the plot?)

– Translator (French, Arabic, Hindi)

– Event co-ordinator (two children, three parties, one mum)

– Stylist (kids must be well turned-out, shoes clean enough that you can see design/original colours, hair combed)

– Investment manager (prices of bread, fruits and fish fingers need to be monitored to avoid bankruptcy in Spinneys)

– Counsellor (pick up the pieces when grandparents leave and/or school friends move to the US/back home)

Specific duties related to spouse

– Greet within two minutes of arriving home or be accused of mood swings

– Muster energy to spend evening talking coherently

– Look presentable  (clean clothes, make-up reapplied and definitely no elastic)

Salary

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! (Unless you count the coins that drop out of the dryer after a load of laundry)

Benefits

Happy, healthy children (mostly), raised as global nomads. Bundles of love. Travel perks. SUV with 7 seats. Sunny days. Lots of love (I know, I said it already but it’s worth saying twice)

“God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers.” – Jewish proverb